The !@#$ man begins

Lets begin with a a little quiz!!!

Who is the highest wicket taker in this QPL?
Who has the maximum sixes?
Who has the most number of ducks?
Who got angry most number of times?
Who came in Volvo the most number of times?
Who is the most beautiful lady in the competition? ;)
Who is the best umpire? ;)

You got it!!! Yes that's our now famous superhero of this QPL The !@#$ man..
Ohh am i being too critical ??..Awwwwww...Sorry Honey!! Did it hurt too bad?!! But come on guys can someone take the head off this guy (if he has one) how on earth can one call that a no-ball?? Oh yes i am talking about that famous decision of his last week. After all the hungama he created with his 'in' or 'out' game, he started manufacturing rules. he DECIDES every god damn thing here. Oh is he the GOD particle of QPL or what?
But i must confess i like this guy!! he is making it interesting for me. he is all inspiring. he wakes me up from my week long slumber. he makes me run better!! he is the item number in this family saga called QPL!!

By the way we had some interesting games last week and this week with the first bowl out and the first hatrick of QPL3!! but i must say it was a pain in @#$ to see bowlers struggling to hit the stumps in that bowl out. Even Sidhu paaji's grand mom would have hit the stumps much before any of these #$@$@$@$!!
And now in these final few games,its all upto the champions to ensure they come in top3 with NAAS almost through with their clinical bowling today against this amazingly funny batting side of swirls ( oh yeah thats what i want to call them) and Spartans and Avengers vying for the other spot along with champs.
2 teams which are eliminated already are however my favourite teams. Swirls for the spirit they bring to the game with their captain not so cool leading the way (did you see him not appeal for a catch today after it hit the square leg umpire!?) and last and also the least the warriors. I feel depressed as i write their name here. I somehow get the image of an old war veteran struggling with his bows and arrows in a battlefield full of howitzers when i see them...respect!! guys.. but sorry got to shoot you dead!!!

Magic of the max zone

Inzy hitting the telugu superstar over the boundary ropes( where the hell was the rope??;)) and junior mallya's depressed look after they lost to the defending champions by a whisker summarized the first day with 2 very closely fought matches. while the champions showed why they are one by defending successfully with 8 required off the last over, the team which is not even close to a 'swirl' but calls itself tornedoes, gave away 10 off the first 4 with Inzy's team having just one wicket to defend.

Personally the highlight for me was my prediction about the FV coach coming true ;) But come on guys what the $%^& are the organisers doing? While they have a rule for no-balling a bowler using 2 steps to bowl to a female player, they apparently have no rule to bar people from jumping in and out of the squads as long as they have the t-shirts of suitable size !! I just imagined Gary Kirsten wanting to play in the next test at Headingley ;)
Oh! the rules did i say? Am sure David Copperfield will kill himself to see that ridiculously 'magical' rule of runs doubling for guys and quadrupling for female players when hit through the Max zone which by the way is so small that it can be guarded by a kid !!  and the best part is there is no magic in the air( for dumb heads, its not applicable for sixes because they have no way of figuring out if a ball crosses that magic line in the air or not lolz!) i am however very curious to see how many times this magic will be performed this QPL ;)


PS: I also heard people talk about the length my last post which put even Karan Johar to shame.I have also been advised by my lawyers not to write anymore untill OC settles my dues from last season. come on you liars %#$%^ give me my stuff!!!

the auction hoax and other stories

After a dormant first half of the year and a bad quarter of cost cutting, there is finally some activity in here. Yes the season 3 of QPL is just around the corner. And my friend ikickfakeqgpplayersass's proposal for QCL has seen a lukewarm response and QPL is here to stay!! That's what the organizing committee likes to believe in at least

In their shabby attempt at trying to appease the disgruntled souls in some quarters of TCVL, the organizers have decided to have one more team from TCVL this year!! This looks like a desperate attempt by TCVL strategists to keep the defending champions away from the title. This could also be an attempt by the former player turned self-appointed coach turned self-appointed current captain of second team to revive his falling career. For me this only means more matches, more corruption, more shit($#%&) in fact it already started couple of months ago when organizers announced unofficially that this year we would have auctions. While it seemed fair to some, it looked interesting to few. But the idea died a prolonged death with none of the organizers being able to figure out how to do it!!lol

The defending champions' zeal for practicing twice a day is seen more as lack of work than the passion to retain the trophy. This time they are without their premier all-rounder Albie Morkel and that surely will hurt them more than missing their player turned coach who in all probability would end up playing in the tournament.

Wait..hold on..did i just see a wicked pattern here??

2 Players turned coaches turning back into players? Is this a way of confusing opposition or are they confused themselves? Or is it their smart stupid way of getting the lost place in the team? In all fairness to Pietersen, i must say he is the lone spinner of 'quality' in the entire ‘Q’GP or at least he claims so ;)

In his come back year, Inzy has finally managed to put up a team. It would be interesting to see how he manages the former captain Raj who is one of their mainstays in batting. We know what happened to Pakistan when they had 5-6 former captains in their team. There are questions about the team's strategy to practice in the afternoons. Have they missed a trick? I hope they wouldn’t be like an Indian team in New Zealand struggling to cope with the early morning movement ;) One of the brighter aspects for them is having the Lady Messi in their side.

NAAS have a good news with the arrival of a new star who (apparently plays for SAP cricket team) will join the good old curly haired all-rounder to make the team stronger than ever before.  However the big question is around Appu raja who got engaged recently and has not been included in the team. Even if he had played, it would have been a tough ask to translate the success of his much celebrated Maama Moushi onto a different stage now. But the best news for the team comes from the lady powerhouse aka lady dilshan who, with her brilliant pallu shots outscored all the male members of her team in the practice matches.  Watch out for your heads guys

SPI warriors apparently are banking on the return their overseas player to give them the much needed stability in batting. But i have my doubts about his match fitness as he has been away for 6 months now and would need time to get back his silky touch. He might also need to reconsider the strategy of 'trying' to bowl the Gayle like toe crushers. Junior Mallya however remains confident of a good show this time around, though he has no big scores to show for himself going into the tournament. They also have the distinction of being the only team to play a management person in their team. It’s all up to her now to disprove the notion that managers can’t be agile and lean..ooops..No pun intended..

I must say that i am confused with the strategy of splitting the TCVL teams into 2. Is it a strategy? conspiracy? Or wilting under pressure of rebels?. But the important question are they strong enough to be independent? I hear stories of captains fighting for players. I even saw a spec of blood on the wall separating the 2 captains ;) Ohh that reminds me..Did you see that both the captains are from PTC? Did you also notice the new spectacle frame of the tallest man on the floor? That looks too decent. I would have liked a Aditya Chopra kind of a frame for him ;)

DevD is nowadays is going gaga over " Chadi mujhe yaari teri aisi Jaise daaru desi.." as a tribute to his ‘local desi bar’  and can be seen humming it in the rest room..We need to do seriously do a drug test on him before every match to monitor the levels ;) One another guy who needs to be examined is the Spartans captain the gym man who has started playing mind games with the oppositions with his angry looks which typically are given out in generous amounts before and after the gym sessions. I also heard he has taken the 'part time work' option to accommodate his gym schedules.

Both the teams have issues of their own. While one looks heavy on batting and bowling another looks heavy on nothing ;) Injury to Austin is a serious concern for the Spartans  and getting people to practice is a headache for tornadoes ( by the way I hate this name) And as for girls, Inzy's wife is back too this time with more vigor. She is seen practicing on the floor and the field like a woman possessed. Am sure many of us are looking forward to the sight of Inzy bowling to his wife. I am too. Out of cheap curiosity :) but come on, these are the things which spice up a tournament which is so low on the glamor quotient with no jazzy cheer girls or even cheer boys for that matter.

The organizers seemed to have got their cuts already and did not even bother to send a mail until this afternoon. They met in one of those translucent discussion rooms yesterday and I could hear them discussing the exchange rates for dollar and euros. They have conveniently slept over many open questions..

Will the pitch favor the lefties? Will it rain ? If it does will they go for D/L or give Jayadevan a chance ? How on earth could they decide to have all the scorers from FV? why are they having an ‘exhibition’ match before the finals? Is it to get a 'Management buy in' or a poor attempt to please hale simhagalu.. oops.. hale huligalu (old tigers ;)) ?

Babu Moshai...
Jeetna aur haarna sab
OC ke haath mein hain..
hum sab QPL mein katputliya hain
Jinke dor organisers ke haath mein hain
Kaun kab kaise khelega, kaun kiska catch chodega
yeh koi nahin bata sakta
ha ha ha....

RIP RK

I am sure everyone agrees that this was the worst attempt at paying tribute to the first superstar of Bollywood through QPL. RK doesn’t deserve this. Not from QPL for sure.

PS: It’s been 2 QPLs 22 posts and they still haven't figured who i am 8o|

I want to break Freeee!!!

(Continued from my last post)

I sat alone with my cup of coffee in the RMZ 2B pantry today.. there was a lot activity in the pantry with the chirkut organisers of Rihaaah running around and pasting their posters...I had sobered up and was not angry anymore...there are worse things on this planet than sobering up..the organisers kept talking to each other about the event..

One guy spoke about how they were planning to provide doorstep pickup and drop for all participants of the event...Another one said, "Rihaaaah is going to be the biggest event ever in the history of QGP...in terms of scale, budget, participation and duration..nothing like this has ever taken place before..the pariticipants will all be given a surprise gift at the end of the event"

Another organiser said, "there is also a release party in development  which is supposed to be really good"...an evil smile came across my innocent face and i tried to wipe it off...I took out the invite to event from my wallet..the invite resembled a credit card..i was one of the special invitees...unlimited booze...disco night...DJ..dance masti..whoever thought this credit card(invite) could not buy all the happiness in the world..was either lying or did not know where to swipe his card..there was a line on the card which said..."Our code runs the world"...and these QGPians are running the marathon...irony!!

One of the pretty girls in the organising team looked at me with her innocent eyes...she had no clue i was the fake QGP player...the poster in her hand said Rihaaah...break free...the words kept ringing in my head...suddenly i underwent a spiritual transformation...i was supposed to be a superhero..and yet over the past few days i had let evil take over my soul..Burai sang jo mel rachaya..phir kabhi na choote is ka saaya...I realized Rihaaah is the place i want to be...i want to run the marathon!!! i tore the credit card shaped invite into pieces..i dont need the tempory materialistic benefits or money to make me happy...!!I am running for glory!

I looked again at the posters of Rihaaah...i had ripped apart the name rihaaah last week...although it symbolised prison it had a deep inner meaning associated with it...suddenly i could hear a ringtone..hey eco friendly..nature ke rakshak..main bhi hun nature...it was coming from my cellphone....I checked to see who called me on my secure phone line...

A deep voice came from the other end said.."hey buddy ...this is your friend Amit...main aaj dada ban gaya...Ash delivered a baby girl" ..

me: Congratulations Amit ji! Mubarak ho!!
AB: you would be busy..i dont want to disturb you..I need a name for my angel faced grandaughter...do you have any suggestions?
me: I looked at the poster in front of me..Rihaaah kaisa rahega??
AB: wahh kya naam hain..lock kiya jaye...

Say "No" to Rihaah.....

Let me tell you upfront..i am very very angry..my blood boils each time I witness the stupid organisers of QGP come up with one crappy event after another...last time it was QPL..now they call it

Rihaaah- the release party.....free yourself....

what is this name?? feels like the person who came up with this name was desperate to take a leak....Rihaaaaaah....take a leak....the name suits better for a public toilet..

the QPL organisers promised to credit my bank account for QPL last time..there is not a penny in my account ... i am totally broke..cant afford to pay my bodyguards too...they all received QGP awards for Q3 2011..star constellation *&*&^$%^* ?? ? really?? they are nothing more than a bunch of clowns....i don't care a rat's a@# about not getting the QGP award..it is the money that matters..Saddaaaaaaa haq..aitheeeeeeeeeee rakh...they betrayed me and i swear to take revenge this time...

 (Cut to what happened earlier this week-->)


the organisers of Rihaah spent months trying to find who I am..my real identity...two of them(Akadu and Pakadu) were inching closer through underworld contacts and the mafia .i realized this and ordered my men to capture them...blindfold them ...and bring them to me...finally they were sitting at my coffee table in my balcony....i sipped tea from my saucer..like amitabh in sarkar...my bodyguards stood next to me with their machine guns...

me: in my deep baritone voice...what brings you here??...

organisers: we are organising a QGP outing...it is well known that we cannot accomplish anything without your blessings

me:what do u want me to do?

organisers: we need you to popularize the event..

me(sipping coffee from the saucer, looking through the edge of my spectacles): hmmm...Wat are u planning?

organisers: it will be an off site event..we plan a marathon, 5 kms relay...200ms run...and some fun events...DJ night and party..of course lunch and dinner will be served..with tuborg beer..we are booking a splendid resort for it..with a golf course..swimming pool and other amenities...lots of goodies for participants...

me: u are spending a lot of money... where did the budget come from?? you did not pay me a penny for QPL last time...

organisers: we will pay you this time...

me(looking deep into their blindfolded eyes): i don't believe you guys anymore.. i will not do it..

organisers: please consider your decision again

me: mujhe jo sahi lagta hain woh main karta hun..chahe woh bhagwan ke khilaf ho..insan ke khilaf ho..samaaj kanoon ya poore QGP ke khilaf kyun na ho...
nahin karoonga...

organisers: arz kiya hain..mujhpe karam sarkar tera..karde mujhe mujhse hi Rihaaaaaaa...please free us from here

 (awkward silence for almost a minute)

the organisers realized this deal was not going to work out...they had made an offer which was refused....disappointed they got ready to leave..they took a few steps..

me: (anger in my eyes) "listen"..

(silence again for 30 seconds..they turn around slowly)..

me:  "i will not let you do it too!!!"...

(govinda govinda ..plays in background...ok...i know this is getting lame)

Bottom line:
I am not supporting Rihaah.... the release marathon or any QGP event from now onwards...the marathon is a rat race..even if you win the rat race you will still be a rat..be a lion like me instead...the human body has a finite set of heartbeats..dont waste your precious hearbeats by running the marathon..say no to Rihaaaah!!!!

Tribute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bYPJQNx7BA

chak de phatte napp de killi

yaawn...zzzzz...zzzz...it has been a tiring tournament and i am feeling very sleepy at this moment..but i have to update this post as my fans are demanding an update...thanks for making me feel like a celebrity..i love you people!! muaaaah....

what would the world be without Sidhuisms??...oh..i can answer that..it would be a lot less irritating and  little more boring..i had a writers block and decided wear Sidhu Paaji's turban instead of my thinking cap...so here we go..

FV-

The young leftie has redeemed FV in most of their matches...lets call it the shashank redemption...the wily old fox and LSD may not show some great chemistry and may fight like husband and wife on the field....but they truly have their strategy worked out in meeting rooms...FV are charging like the bulls in Zindagi milegi na dobara at every team..right now nothing seems be stopping them..they feel humility is like underwear...everyone wears it but there is no need to show it..they will not win any fairplay awards this year but who cares as long as they win the cup...

Everytime i see SPI warriors in action I am reminded of a one legged man stuck in a bum kicking competition....another picture which comes to my mind when i see them is the mandir ka ghanta..jo bhi aata hain..baja ke jaata hain..only today the mandir was closed...they found a good enough crutch and managed to finally kick some N-ASS...the jinx is now broken...the team is full of glorious uncertainties..when the superman from ICC plays they look glorious..when the rest of the team play they look uncertain

TCV - their captain's favourite song by Ricky Martin is "Un Dos tres" as it has his wife's name in it..his favourite song could well change to "cup of  life" at the end of the tournament if they win it...if they have to go the distance they need the X factor and some luck..throw a lucky man into the deep ocean and he will come back with a fish in his mouth...they have many good players in their team..some of them are GP, Dev D,DK and Bose...oopsie...someone told me i should not take the last two names together..even the girls are doing a good job..Super mario needs special mention for her batting and fielding...

NAAS- they are suffering from constipation...let me explain if you did not get it..they are putting in a lot of effort..trying really hard.but they are having no results to show at the end of the match...i feel for them...so close yet so far..they really need to borrow some inspiration from somewhere and have faith...keep feeding your faith until your doubts starve to death and release your congestion...Shit will then happen!! remember it is a rat race..even if you win you are still a RAT!

AOF-
Umpires in every match need to be changed like nappies...for exactly the same reason...AOF have had their share of problems with the umpires...but that has not stopped them from Winning..Rajanna has led the mass movement from the front..u can actually see the mass movement when he runs between the wickets...Austin powers has not fired so far..i think he is saving it for the finals..And yes Inzy will also be back by then...

What happened to my enemy ikfqpa and his little tool photoshop??- i think he finally realized Sarcasm is only for winners!!

O guru.....

chak de phatte napp de killi subah jalandar shaam nu dilli..!!!!

Superhero!

Statuatory warning:
This post is more about my self obsession and thoughts and less about QPL...

Disclaimer:
can cause emotional atyachar to a few people because of high emotional content

Time:3:35 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B B3 Pantry

i found a corner and tried to look at ease... Dev D's intoxicating charm engulfed the entire pantry...he cracked PJ after PJ and the crowd seemed to love them..i thought..this dude always makes it large..a group of guys shouted..."we love you Dev"..he started blushing...i have nothing against gay rights but please maintain a little discretion..Chatur single shouted "Dev marry me!!" ...i have nothing against gay marriages too..but there is a time and place for everthing!!

by then the captains made way to the centre...one by one...Rajanna, Rowdy Ranga, Godfather, LSD and Junior Mallya...the shutterbug saab kept using his camera switch as a stressbuster and kept clicking away..like these pictures were going to make it to the national geographic cover...i looked at every face in the crowd trying to identify my enemy ikickfakeqgpplayersass....no..i wasnt trying to identify his a** by looking at each face....thats his name.....maybe it is Emraan..maybe sabnis saab...maybe Fighter Shetty...maybe Krishh..i looked at Krishh and wondered how he would look if he stood on a moving bus in a flowing gown with a black underwear like mask on his face..damn..what am i thinking..maybe he isnt here and is working on a new plan

Flash back--> Five minutes earlier

Time:3:30 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B B3.***

I pushed my chair back, put my phone in my pocket.. hit the windows+L key on my laptop and slowly started the 15 step walk towards the pantry.. i had to give the mandatory fake smiles to the people whom i encountered on my way...every step i took made me realise this could well be the last time i walked with my mask on...my heart was beating faster than normal and I felt every pair of eyes in QGP was trying to find my real identity...i double checked my arm and made sure it was completely covered and the tattoo was not visible...i wondered what the few people who did not smile at me were thinking..do they already know??

Flash forward--> 15 minutes later


Time:3:45 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B Pantry

i wasnt listening but my mind kept processing a few words here and there..i heard LSD talk about rollers on the field and thought we have quite of few of them in each team...i heard Rajanna speaking about passion play on the field to which Pieterson was all eyes and ears...nothing interested me...the most eligible bachelor of QPL Jr Mallya started speaking and immediately most girls in the crowd started paying attention..it looked like everything was rehearsed before... each of them already knew what to say..everything was fake..fake people..fake world.and yet I was the fake QGP player..damn..i am the only real soul...

Time:3:55 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B B3 Mens/Womens room

At this Point in the Press conference there were lots of Pathetically Poor questions being asked and as Predicted it started to become a Pain in the..well..a**...A Parker Pen was Provided to the PPD Poornima for one among the many Pointless questions..too many Ps?? that reminded me..i needed to Pee..when you got to go..you got to go..i walked across to the rest room happy that my anonymity was still intact...and then it all seemed to happen in slow motion...one by one many thoughts kept coming to my mind...

by day i am just an ordinary man with an identity crisis like everyone else in QGP...but when I am the fakeqgp player i can be so much more...i live in the shadows with a mask on my face..i may not fit QGP's definition of a hero..but i dont care..I dont fight my enemy ikickfakeqgpplayersass for money, rewards/recognition, promotion, position, hike or travel.....I am the real superhero!!..the fakeqgpplayer..Am I a dream? Am I the truth? fiction? salvation?....Unmask me if you can!!