I want to break Freeee!!!

(Continued from my last post)

I sat alone with my cup of coffee in the RMZ 2B pantry today.. there was a lot activity in the pantry with the chirkut organisers of Rihaaah running around and pasting their posters...I had sobered up and was not angry anymore...there are worse things on this planet than sobering up..the organisers kept talking to each other about the event..

One guy spoke about how they were planning to provide doorstep pickup and drop for all participants of the event...Another one said, "Rihaaaah is going to be the biggest event ever in the history of QGP...in terms of scale, budget, participation and duration..nothing like this has ever taken place before..the pariticipants will all be given a surprise gift at the end of the event"

Another organiser said, "there is also a release party in development  which is supposed to be really good"...an evil smile came across my innocent face and i tried to wipe it off...I took out the invite to event from my wallet..the invite resembled a credit card..i was one of the special invitees...unlimited booze...disco night...DJ..dance masti..whoever thought this credit card(invite) could not buy all the happiness in the world..was either lying or did not know where to swipe his card..there was a line on the card which said..."Our code runs the world"...and these QGPians are running the marathon...irony!!

One of the pretty girls in the organising team looked at me with her innocent eyes...she had no clue i was the fake QGP player...the poster in her hand said Rihaaah...break free...the words kept ringing in my head...suddenly i underwent a spiritual transformation...i was supposed to be a superhero..and yet over the past few days i had let evil take over my soul..Burai sang jo mel rachaya..phir kabhi na choote is ka saaya...I realized Rihaaah is the place i want to be...i want to run the marathon!!! i tore the credit card shaped invite into pieces..i dont need the tempory materialistic benefits or money to make me happy...!!I am running for glory!

I looked again at the posters of Rihaaah...i had ripped apart the name rihaaah last week...although it symbolised prison it had a deep inner meaning associated with it...suddenly i could hear a ringtone..hey eco friendly..nature ke rakshak..main bhi hun nature...it was coming from my cellphone....I checked to see who called me on my secure phone line...

A deep voice came from the other end said.."hey buddy ...this is your friend Amit...main aaj dada ban gaya...Ash delivered a baby girl" ..

me: Congratulations Amit ji! Mubarak ho!!
AB: you would be busy..i dont want to disturb you..I need a name for my angel faced grandaughter...do you have any suggestions?
me: I looked at the poster in front of me..Rihaaah kaisa rahega??
AB: wahh kya naam hain..lock kiya jaye...

Say "No" to Rihaah.....

Let me tell you upfront..i am very very angry..my blood boils each time I witness the stupid organisers of QGP come up with one crappy event after another...last time it was QPL..now they call it

Rihaaah- the release party.....free yourself....

what is this name?? feels like the person who came up with this name was desperate to take a leak....Rihaaaaaah....take a leak....the name suits better for a public toilet..

the QPL organisers promised to credit my bank account for QPL last time..there is not a penny in my account ... i am totally broke..cant afford to pay my bodyguards too...they all received QGP awards for Q3 2011..star constellation *&*&^$%^* ?? ? really?? they are nothing more than a bunch of clowns....i don't care a rat's a@# about not getting the QGP award..it is the money that matters..Saddaaaaaaa haq..aitheeeeeeeeeee rakh...they betrayed me and i swear to take revenge this time...

 (Cut to what happened earlier this week-->)


the organisers of Rihaah spent months trying to find who I am..my real identity...two of them(Akadu and Pakadu) were inching closer through underworld contacts and the mafia .i realized this and ordered my men to capture them...blindfold them ...and bring them to me...finally they were sitting at my coffee table in my balcony....i sipped tea from my saucer..like amitabh in sarkar...my bodyguards stood next to me with their machine guns...

me: in my deep baritone voice...what brings you here??...

organisers: we are organising a QGP outing...it is well known that we cannot accomplish anything without your blessings

me:what do u want me to do?

organisers: we need you to popularize the event..

me(sipping coffee from the saucer, looking through the edge of my spectacles): hmmm...Wat are u planning?

organisers: it will be an off site event..we plan a marathon, 5 kms relay...200ms run...and some fun events...DJ night and party..of course lunch and dinner will be served..with tuborg beer..we are booking a splendid resort for it..with a golf course..swimming pool and other amenities...lots of goodies for participants...

me: u are spending a lot of money... where did the budget come from?? you did not pay me a penny for QPL last time...

organisers: we will pay you this time...

me(looking deep into their blindfolded eyes): i don't believe you guys anymore.. i will not do it..

organisers: please consider your decision again

me: mujhe jo sahi lagta hain woh main karta hun..chahe woh bhagwan ke khilaf ho..insan ke khilaf ho..samaaj kanoon ya poore QGP ke khilaf kyun na ho...
nahin karoonga...

organisers: arz kiya hain..mujhpe karam sarkar tera..karde mujhe mujhse hi Rihaaaaaaa...please free us from here

 (awkward silence for almost a minute)

the organisers realized this deal was not going to work out...they had made an offer which was refused....disappointed they got ready to leave..they took a few steps..

me: (anger in my eyes) "listen"..

(silence again for 30 seconds..they turn around slowly)..

me:  "i will not let you do it too!!!"...

(govinda govinda ..plays in background...ok...i know this is getting lame)

Bottom line:
I am not supporting Rihaah.... the release marathon or any QGP event from now onwards...the marathon is a rat race..even if you win the rat race you will still be a rat..be a lion like me instead...the human body has a finite set of heartbeats..dont waste your precious hearbeats by running the marathon..say no to Rihaaaah!!!!

Tribute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bYPJQNx7BA

chak de phatte napp de killi

yaawn...zzzzz...zzzz...it has been a tiring tournament and i am feeling very sleepy at this moment..but i have to update this post as my fans are demanding an update...thanks for making me feel like a celebrity..i love you people!! muaaaah....

what would the world be without Sidhuisms??...oh..i can answer that..it would be a lot less irritating and  little more boring..i had a writers block and decided wear Sidhu Paaji's turban instead of my thinking cap...so here we go..

FV-

The young leftie has redeemed FV in most of their matches...lets call it the shashank redemption...the wily old fox and LSD may not show some great chemistry and may fight like husband and wife on the field....but they truly have their strategy worked out in meeting rooms...FV are charging like the bulls in Zindagi milegi na dobara at every team..right now nothing seems be stopping them..they feel humility is like underwear...everyone wears it but there is no need to show it..they will not win any fairplay awards this year but who cares as long as they win the cup...

Everytime i see SPI warriors in action I am reminded of a one legged man stuck in a bum kicking competition....another picture which comes to my mind when i see them is the mandir ka ghanta..jo bhi aata hain..baja ke jaata hain..only today the mandir was closed...they found a good enough crutch and managed to finally kick some N-ASS...the jinx is now broken...the team is full of glorious uncertainties..when the superman from ICC plays they look glorious..when the rest of the team play they look uncertain

TCV - their captain's favourite song by Ricky Martin is "Un Dos tres" as it has his wife's name in it..his favourite song could well change to "cup of  life" at the end of the tournament if they win it...if they have to go the distance they need the X factor and some luck..throw a lucky man into the deep ocean and he will come back with a fish in his mouth...they have many good players in their team..some of them are GP, Dev D,DK and Bose...oopsie...someone told me i should not take the last two names together..even the girls are doing a good job..Super mario needs special mention for her batting and fielding...

NAAS- they are suffering from constipation...let me explain if you did not get it..they are putting in a lot of effort..trying really hard.but they are having no results to show at the end of the match...i feel for them...so close yet so far..they really need to borrow some inspiration from somewhere and have faith...keep feeding your faith until your doubts starve to death and release your congestion...Shit will then happen!! remember it is a rat race..even if you win you are still a RAT!

AOF-
Umpires in every match need to be changed like nappies...for exactly the same reason...AOF have had their share of problems with the umpires...but that has not stopped them from Winning..Rajanna has led the mass movement from the front..u can actually see the mass movement when he runs between the wickets...Austin powers has not fired so far..i think he is saving it for the finals..And yes Inzy will also be back by then...

What happened to my enemy ikfqpa and his little tool photoshop??- i think he finally realized Sarcasm is only for winners!!

O guru.....

chak de phatte napp de killi subah jalandar shaam nu dilli..!!!!

Superhero!

Statuatory warning:
This post is more about my self obsession and thoughts and less about QPL...

Disclaimer:
can cause emotional atyachar to a few people because of high emotional content

Time:3:35 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B B3 Pantry

i found a corner and tried to look at ease... Dev D's intoxicating charm engulfed the entire pantry...he cracked PJ after PJ and the crowd seemed to love them..i thought..this dude always makes it large..a group of guys shouted..."we love you Dev"..he started blushing...i have nothing against gay rights but please maintain a little discretion..Chatur single shouted "Dev marry me!!" ...i have nothing against gay marriages too..but there is a time and place for everthing!!

by then the captains made way to the centre...one by one...Rajanna, Rowdy Ranga, Godfather, LSD and Junior Mallya...the shutterbug saab kept using his camera switch as a stressbuster and kept clicking away..like these pictures were going to make it to the national geographic cover...i looked at every face in the crowd trying to identify my enemy ikickfakeqgpplayersass....no..i wasnt trying to identify his a** by looking at each face....thats his name.....maybe it is Emraan..maybe sabnis saab...maybe Fighter Shetty...maybe Krishh..i looked at Krishh and wondered how he would look if he stood on a moving bus in a flowing gown with a black underwear like mask on his face..damn..what am i thinking..maybe he isnt here and is working on a new plan

Flash back--> Five minutes earlier

Time:3:30 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B B3.***

I pushed my chair back, put my phone in my pocket.. hit the windows+L key on my laptop and slowly started the 15 step walk towards the pantry.. i had to give the mandatory fake smiles to the people whom i encountered on my way...every step i took made me realise this could well be the last time i walked with my mask on...my heart was beating faster than normal and I felt every pair of eyes in QGP was trying to find my real identity...i double checked my arm and made sure it was completely covered and the tattoo was not visible...i wondered what the few people who did not smile at me were thinking..do they already know??

Flash forward--> 15 minutes later


Time:3:45 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B Pantry

i wasnt listening but my mind kept processing a few words here and there..i heard LSD talk about rollers on the field and thought we have quite of few of them in each team...i heard Rajanna speaking about passion play on the field to which Pieterson was all eyes and ears...nothing interested me...the most eligible bachelor of QPL Jr Mallya started speaking and immediately most girls in the crowd started paying attention..it looked like everything was rehearsed before... each of them already knew what to say..everything was fake..fake people..fake world.and yet I was the fake QGP player..damn..i am the only real soul...

Time:3:55 PM IST
Date: 18th August 2011
Location: RMZ 2B B3 Mens/Womens room

At this Point in the Press conference there were lots of Pathetically Poor questions being asked and as Predicted it started to become a Pain in the..well..a**...A Parker Pen was Provided to the PPD Poornima for one among the many Pointless questions..too many Ps?? that reminded me..i needed to Pee..when you got to go..you got to go..i walked across to the rest room happy that my anonymity was still intact...and then it all seemed to happen in slow motion...one by one many thoughts kept coming to my mind...

by day i am just an ordinary man with an identity crisis like everyone else in QGP...but when I am the fakeqgp player i can be so much more...i live in the shadows with a mask on my face..i may not fit QGP's definition of a hero..but i dont care..I dont fight my enemy ikickfakeqgpplayersass for money, rewards/recognition, promotion, position, hike or travel.....I am the real superhero!!..the fakeqgpplayer..Am I a dream? Am I the truth? fiction? salvation?....Unmask me if you can!!

Let the battle begin!

Lights.. Camera.. Auction..Practice sessions..!!! Now, we need a little action with a lot of drama, gloss, glitz, glamour and finally glory!! That's what the QPL is all about isn't it??

The team names are --> Spartans, rangers, warriors, avengers, musketeers.. they sound all macho and courageous!! I am having my own doubts about these teams living up to the fancy names...guess what..they also have team logos now!! And new t-shirts with a few bright colours on display! three cheers to the organisers for putting up a great show so far!!

ok..now Lets quickly check out what is happening with each team-

FV-

The reigning champions look "out of sync"...the first thing which should worry them is inflation...Inflation of their captain LSD(lingoo Singh Dhoni)..he seems to be taking it a little too easy this time...I had a short little conversation with him a few days back near the men's room..i couldn't help but think something was missing..it is difficult to point out what exactly..lets just say i did not sense the same fire in his belly or see the same fighting spirit in his eyes...This could well be one of the side effects of his soon to be changed marital status! it is definitely going to hurt FV's chances of reclaiming glory.An unidentified FV player on condition of anonymity also told me that the fitness levels are not being monitored and a few key players are hiding injuries.Team FV needs to realise that they cannot rest on their past laurels(haha- guess who??) or Hardys(i know you guys are thinking Ganesha) as it will be a totally different ballgame this time around..

AOF-

Contrary to my earlier beliefs AOF looks like a very promising team..the new captain- Raajanna is definitely a champion leader of the masses!! he is in perfect shape..the shape of a circle....and yes he has fire in his belly and intensity in his eyes...then there is their trump card--> Austin Powers..According to sources he hits a minimum of 5 chakkas in every practice match..he is also a deadly bowler..the bookies in dubai are already projecting him as one of the most bankable players who will win the All rounder of the series award!!I have a message for you Austin..keep your eyes open for arch rival Dr. Evil..he is out there to foil all your plans!! And yes..do not read my posts!!

NAAS-

The Team owner, Mr.Royal Enfield is also their bowling and batting coach. He will also serve as one of the key players for NAAS...the acute shortage of talent and the inability to groom new players in the NAAS backyard has forced him to take on multiple roles..only time will tell if this kind of a set-up will work but this is already a huge concern for the team and its future..However i heard there is one promising new comer- Singh-am. And of course they have the 'very little master' with the long name in their team..Overall NAAS is a young team which needs to introspect and sort out a few issues before they can cause any real threat to their opposition

SPI-

the best player in this team is still the superwoman of the series from last QPL..she isn't turning up for net practice..but nobody seems to be complaining...chris gayle started blasting sixes for RCB just after getting out of a plane from the west indies..champion players do not need practice..Moreover their most economical bowler Nehra, who specialises in providing partner ecosystem satisfaction is back from Germany, and will join the team...he and Pieterson (who has also found his form- i don't know where he stole it from!!) are expected to partner each other...hunt in pairs..like those great West Indian fast bowlers...SPI has used rock bottom as a solid foundation to build a better team since last QPL...

TCV-

the runners up from last QPL look good this season..they seem to have chiseled out their rough edges by getting rid of their weak players in the auction..they also managed to pack one player away with a few shady internal dealings with SPI...TCV's gain is SPI's loss..A couple of Spartans (Dev D and Chunni babu) have gotten superstitious and are wearing bangles on their right hand..i expect them to wear noserings earrings and anklets as the tournament progresses..the tall and lanky Bose(i don't think he needs a nickname after Delhi Belly) looks good with both bat and ball..the retired legendary off spinner of yesteryears- Kumble is expected to provide some quality tips to all bowlers in the team during weekly one to ones!! The batting looks a little weak but what they lack in arsenal, they will more than make up for with attitude..TCV needs to learn to soak in some pressure and they could well be lifting the winners trophy this time..if not they will be branded as chokers

The fixtures are ready and the battle begins on 18th August. Till then hey.. Khuda haafiz..shukriya... meharbani!!

2 times the Pain in the a**

Unfortunately Lalit Modi(guess who?) and Dalmiya(who else?) of QPL1 are not in the picture this time ..they have started their own parallel cricket league..I have a message for them...

QPL2 is now integrated with the ICC (not the one at Lords)...there is everything official about it!

My favourite players Chomu(FV), Chiranjeevi(NFV), Emraan hashmi(SV-SQ-ICC),The agraWall(AOF) and Mr.Decent(NAAS) have all been retained in their respective teams in the auction.... Chomu also showed his goofy charm by updating his FB status..1/10 probablity??? smart bidding?? very clever chomu!! ...now we all know it was rigged!

Ghajini (SV-SQ) has been packaged off to the AOF .. .after dropping two catches and the cup of life last year he seems to be angry with this decision...Angry Pinto ko gussa kyun aata hain? ..

The idea of splitting a losing team(Assembly avengers)  into two losing teams AOF and NAAS totally beats me...AOF will also miss inzy this time..heard he is on a foreign trip.. this sounds very fishy to me..probably the shiv sena is behind his exclusion..hina rabbani khair..are u listening? we want inzy back..we love thy neighbour.only if she looks like you!!

The other half of Assembly-->NAAS had a practice session today at the grounds...let me tell you something boys..your captain may be God (Bhagawan) himself.. but even if you want to hang a picture of God..u will need --> A Wall...and the agraWall is with AOF... you should have one single Assembly-United team...You complete each other!

Dont know what Jr. Mallya(captain SV-SQ)  had in mind when he brought in  the lone spinner of the tournament,  Pietersen(u would have seen him in a RCB jersey) from NFV......Pietersen's pehla, doosra, teesra will all disappear to the boundary...i still have a lot of faith in his fielding.. he is fit as a fiddle and dives around  like a gazzelle...the other slow fielders in the team can hide behind his belly....SV-SQ-ICC is still my favourite team

My second favourite team is NFV invaders....the player to watch out for is Dev D(BEV-D)..  hope he doesn't turn out to be keval jhaag this time around...he looks deadly with a new haircut and forms a lethal combo with Slinga(substitute captain in finals last time)....apparently Slinga has a shoulder dislocation which is why he wears a sling..i wonder if this is a secret strategy by NFV management to surprise the other teams with superfast inswinging yorkers later!

And yeah..the girls..they were supposed to be the game changers in QPL1...dont see them changing anything other than the colour of their nail polish in this season..maybe thats why they were not in the auctions...I am hoping they prove me wrong this time around!!

When QPL2 is finally here it  will be...2 times harder, 2 times fun...2 times the pain in the a**  for those who have to balance it with work..

For me it is time to swim out the gumnaami kaa samundar.....arey QGP waalon..ab toh pehchaanon..palat ke aayan..main hun kaun?

OMR at ORR?

The 11th of March is here. As both India and Pakistan celebrate this day, (Infosys was listed on NASDAQ and Pakistan conducted its first nuclear test in '83), we celebrate on Outer Ring Road. The events in the last few weeks have been pretty exciting although an air of uncertainty is still prevailing. But I'm sure it will get cleared pretty soon. Let's not talk about that.

India in the World Cup is looking as vulnerable as a character of Govinda's college going sister in a Shakti Kapoor movie. Yes I know there are yet to be defeated but they do not look like a champion side. Dhoni is still stuck with his "Well, of course" dilemma (http://anand-illuminateddarkness.blogspot.com/2011/03/exclusive-world-cup-interviews.html) and the only people cheering Chawla are the guys from the opposite team. I wish there was a fake WC Player blog series which would tell me if Dhoni and Chawla are blood related. Seriously.
This will be one of the most talked about thing in the ORR celebration today. (Mostly guys)

Women's Day just got over(hahaha). A lot of women in our office celebrated it.(hahaha). They were given bookmarks as a gift on this day(hahaha). This will also be discussed today, (Again, mostly guys)

I will see you guys there today. We've had a lot of these parties before (people over drinking, an extremely over size dude coming in the middle and dancing like Sunny Deol(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMvxinBkOZU), people over drinking, people making a chain sort of thing and run around the dance floor - its absolutely uncool and annoying guys, people over drinking and ultimately throwing up) but today will be different. It will be an emotional one to begin with but once the beers go in all the people and the over-size guy come out. But yes this will be the last.

A few of my friends in office know who I am and have sworn on Justin Bieber that they wont tell it to anybody. Thank you guys, you make me cry. <evil smile> Let's go guys. Let's get some malt! To ORR! :)

I am Back!!!!

Yeah I heard there was some unrest after I vanished but here I am.

Heard there will not be QGP Premier League 2! Hmmm.. Sad..

Waiting for "the mail" tomorrow.

Sigh.